Tardness
by Erik's Other Lover
Summary: These are random and funny little scences that myself and my partners write together. These are written for you amusment as well as ours. Happy reading!
1. Erik Gets Drunk

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**Okay. So these are going to be random, funny, and rather stupid scenes I come up with when I'm stuck on my other stories...Yes I relieze it's quite stupid.**

_Note: I don't own any character's associated with "Phantom of the Opera"! I wished I owned Erik! He is a sexy beast._

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Erik's Drunkness, but Still Sexyness

It's another day in the life of Erik, the phantom. Erik had just finished his daily cape swirling practice. He had mastered it! Well, what do you think he does all day? He can't spend every moment playing and composing beautiful music and stalking Christine.

Erik sat at his desk trying to write some new music for the next upcoming show. He can't write let alone think because he can't help but think of that Vicomte Raoul. Erik is getting very frustrated. He jumps up from his desk and knocks everything over. "That insolate fool! Damn him! That little fucktard!" Erik roared.

Erik walked over to his cabinet and grabbed a bottle of booze. He emptied the whole bottle in an instant. He then grabbed another and drained it instantly, also. He then grabbed one more. Erik started to stumbled over to the swan bed and practically fell on it. He laid on his back and tried to drink the last bottle, but he spilled it all over himself.

Erik then began to whine out loud. "Oh…Christine hates me…She would rather have that loser-face Raoul…Maybe if I had a man bun/ponytail she would love me…I can't help it that I don't look as feminine as him…Perchance if I grew my hair out…and pranced around like some type of…thing…that uh…prances around…she would love me. Well, I can't help that I don't look like a damn fop!" Erik tried to sit up, but fell back down.

"Maybe I should act more like a fucking pansy and change my name to Leslie…Yeah…Or I can just ruin the next performance…" Erik sat up and ambled over to his chair. He grabbed his cape and stumbled over to the mirror. He ran into it. "How do I open this, again?" He stood for a moment staring at it in his groggy haze. "Oh…right…" Erik fumbled with the switch.

Erik stumbled down the passage and ended up in Christine's dressing room. Christine jumped after seeing him enter. She could smell the alcohol and she could see he was very much drunk.

"Erik, have you been drinking, again?" Christine asked as she sat at her vanity.

"Nope…Not at all…Did you see the pretty purple cow that quack's come through here?" He asked as he stumbled against the wall.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I have to uh…go…the angry pansy Fabio wants his…um…uhhh…Do you like man perms?"

"Erik go back to your lair you are drunk," she accused.

"No…I'm perfectly….sober. You're the one that's drunk Miss…uhh…Daaé? Sober up!"

"Erik I really think you should go." She said as she stood up.

"Where do you think your going? Going to do a little _business_ with your fucktard fop?" He laughed.

"I would do no such thing! I'm going to go sing tonight. Remember?" She was growing irate with him.

"You are such a drunkard coward, Christine. You should really lay off that Captain Morgan Booze. It makes you horribly mean…"

"Erik go. I have to get ready for the show!"

"If I become your little fabio then would you love me?…" She left Erik alone in her dressing room. "You're fired," he yelled after her. He grabbed a tube of lipstick and wrote: _Carlotta sucks back cleavage! And Raoul is a fop! And OG wasn't here! _on her mirror.

"That will teach her to steal my ginger snaps…ooohhh…look a pretty little bug…"

Erik then began to sing a horribly: "In the middle of the niiiiiiiiiiiiigggghhhhtt, I GO walking in my sleeeeeppppppyyyy sleep. to the middle OF tHE ForesT, to the VALley, of ThE DeEP...Doot doot doot Dum dum dum...I do not like green eggs and ham I do not like them sam I am...Who in the bloody hell is Sam?"

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**Yeah...I know...Pretty dumb. Huh? ****Review and tell me how dumb that was!**

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	2. French Table Manners

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**Here is our next installment of "Tardness". By ours, I mean myself and my partner in crime and collaborator: aloserinthebackofthemathclass! This is a short scene that we wrote together using our genius and retarded scense of humor! You actually have to think a bit on this one to understand it.**

**He is the link to aloserinthebackofthemathclass's profile:** .net/u/1276339/

_Note: I don't own any character's associated with "Phantom of the Opera"! I wished I owned Erik! He is a sexy beast._

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Tardness Chappy Deux: Français Table Manners

It was a lovely day in the neighborhood in which the Vicomte and Vicomptess de Chagny resided. Christine went against Raoul's best wishes and invited Erik to dinner to mend old wounds…Let's see how this one works out.

"Raoul, you are being so unreasonable," Christine chided. "He hasn't killed anyone in months." He turned and she coughed, "a day."

"Lotte--"

"What does Lotte even mean?"

"I'm not quite sure," Raoul admitted. "This thing does not belong here."

"He's not a _thing_," Christine said. "He's a _man_."

Erik, who had been hiding under the window at the time, celebrated quietly. _She thinks I'm a man!_

He snuck around the house and straightened his cape before ringing the doorbell. Christine opened the door. "Oh, Erik, what a lovely cape you have," she greeted. "Is it new?"

"Why, yes, Christine," Erik said. "Yes it is." He raised his left eyebrow.

"How is your horse?"

"Why, yes, Christine. Oh, wait, uhm, he is, ah, healthy as a horse?" Erik shifted his shoulder. _She acts as if we're not sleeping with each other behind the fop's back. _Christine had a bright smile.

They joined Raoul at the table. Erik politely set his wrists on the table. He coughed when he saw Raoul's wrists were not on the table. Raoul jumped and his hands were visible.

"Sorry, I was…preoccupied," he muttered. Christine stood and cleared her throat.

"Bon appetite," she stated clearly. Raoul removed his wrists from the table once more. Christine suddenly gasped. "Oh, dear, I think I left the escargot on the stove!" She disappeared. Erik glanced at Raoul. Raoul glanced at Erik before putting his elbows on the table.

"You have bad table manners, sir," said Erik. Raoul scoffed.

"I am the host," Raoul said.

"Whatever, Fabio," Erik smirked. "Where are your facilities?"

"That way." Erik ignored Raoul's directions and went after Christine in the kitchen. Raoul became very involved in his frog legs and did not suspect the wiser…Teehehehe…Bet you can guess what Erik and Christine are up to (wink, wink).

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**Yes, this was only funny if you understood French dinning etiquette. Reviews, please! Have any suggestions for an upcoming scene in "Tardness" let us know! Thanks, for reading!**

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	3. Erik Meets Jesus

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My road-dog and I decided this would be totally funny...Thanks to aloserinthebackofthemathclass!

Check out her url: .net/u/1276339/aloserinthebackofthemathclass

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Erik Meets Jesus

"Fear not, my child," the man in robes announced. "I am here to save your soul."

Erik stared at the strange figure. "Save my soul? Your child?" Erik stared at him with his left eyebrow raised.

"Yes, your soul," the man said. "For I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Son of Man, the Flesh of the Trinity, and I am here so that you may dine with me eternally in heaven." He stroked his beard with a smile.

Erik glared at him. "I'm sorry to disappoint you, monsieur, but I am of no particular faith. If you haven't noticed I am the devil's child," Erik mocked.

"My goodness, and Mary only thought that God got to her," Jesus said. "Well, then that would make us half brothers, would it not? Would you deny your brother the right to save you?"

"What are you talking about? I have no family, least off all a brother and what exactly are you saving me from?" Erik puffed out his chest and crossed his arms. "Does it look like I need your saving?" Erik asked as he glared at him.

"Have it your way then," Jesus declared, clapping his hands together and speaking in Hebrew. "Lahee, bochov!" The walls began to transform into Hell itself.

"What kind of magic is this?" Erik asked. "You're going to have to do much better than that. For I am the Opera Ghost."

Jesus clapped his hands together again and flames appeared by Erik's feet. "Do you believe me now, harsh soul?"

Erik gulped and stepped backward away from the small flames. "Not quite," he jested.

"Why do you believe the mockery of gypsies but not a word uttered from My mouth? I am here for you, Erik. If you do not come with Me, you must face Hell." Jesus clapped His hands once more and red snakes began to dance in a circle. The room was getting warm and tense.

"And what awaits me in Hell?" Erik inquired.

"It is your time to find out." Jesus' face grew grave.

Erik's eyes snapped open and he sat up straight gasping for air. "What?" he asked as he held his head up.

"Erik, you were dreaming," Christine muttered, grabbing his arm sleepily. "You kept screaming something about a brother. Go back to bed." She rolled over, pressing her face in the pillow.

Erik stared at her in disbelief. "Christine, what are you doing here? And who is Jesus?" he asked.

"Wow, you really did hit your head off the headboard hard," Christine giggled, still sleepy as ever. "Jesus is like God, but more...human. Washing people's feet, riding on donkeys... Go read about it later. Just go back to sleep now, please?"

Erik rubbed his head. "Your "God" washes peoples' feet?" he asked rather confused. "And I don't remember hitting my head."

"Well, we had just switched positions and--"

Erik suddenly remembered and color flushed in his cheeks. "Was it good for you? It was good for me," he grinned.

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Teehehehe...Yeah. Reviews, eh?

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	4. Erik, Reccie, and EOL

In this series Reccie and EOL had a very amusing time toying with Erik. We still aren't sure why he keeps us around, but he does and deep down, way deep down he knows he likes us. These are just some entertaining things that happen when you put two phangirls together who think that Erik lives with them.

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Erik, Reccie, and EOL sitting in Reccie's living room.

Erik: *plops down on couch and crosses arms, mumbling*

Reccie: Good morning Erik! I trust you slept well?

Erik: Harrumph.

EOL: Oh dear, it seems Erik is one of his "moods" again.

Reccie: This will not be a pleasant day for any of us.

Erik: *glare*

Reccie: So…Erik, what do you want to watch on TV? How about Spongebob, it's the only thing on.

Erik: Don't even suggest that. You know how that show irritates me.

Reccie: Calm down, it was just a joke. *eye roll* Why do you have to be serious all the time?

Erik: I'm sorry would you care to die?

Reccie: Nope, that's cool. Do your emo thing, that's fine with me. *chuckles nervously and slides down a little ways away from Erik*

EOL: Oh! Lets watch House!

Erik: That show has it's amusing moments.

Reccie: Erik, for the most part that show is not supposed to be amusing.

Erik: Ah, yes. But that's what amuses me so.

EOL and Reccie: *share humored look behind Erik's back*

Reccie: Alright, whatever you want, Erik.

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Erik, Reccie, EOL, and Reccie's cat Harley in Erik's room (a.k.a under the stairs in the closet).

Erik: *sits at his desk scribbling on parchment, periodically looking up with a slightly annoyed expression at Reccie and EOL who are watching intently*

Reccie: Whatcha doin'? *said in a most obnoxious voice*

EOL: Yeah, you've been sitting here for hours, we were afraid you died or something so we came in to check on you.

Erik: Would it not have been better if I were dead?

EOL: Erik, stop that. You know that you are wanted alive by many people.

Erik: Who? The cat?

Reccie: Yeah, it does seem that Harley has taken a liking to you.

Erik: *grumbles* I hate cats.

Harley: *just at this moment decides to jump up on Erik's desk and send his papers flying in every direction than sits down and stares at him nonchalantly*

Erik: You ignorant cat! I'm going to—hmph. *scratches her behind the ears*

Reccie and EOL: *share an I-knew-it look*

Erik: This means nothing. The only reason I'm not skinning this cat alive is because she's yours. *continues to stroke Harley*

Reccie: I knew you liked us. *skips off triumphantly dragging EOL behind her*

EOL: But I wanna watch Erik compose!

Reccie: You'll have plenty of time to do that later. When is he not composing?

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Reccie, Erik, and EOL in Reccie's bedroom one morning.

Reccie: Hey Erik, me and EOL are going to the beach today wanna come?

Erik: You know I don't go out during the day! I hate the sun! It's quite garish! *storms out of the room*

Reccie: Geez, I was just kidding.

EOL: Well, that's Erik for you.

Reccie: You'd think he'd pick up on other's people's sarcasm, he uses it himself enough.

EOL: I know! I mean the man is insufferable.

Reccie: Agreed. Well off to the beach!

A few hours later when EOL and Reccie arrive home.

Reccie: Where is Erik? I just checked the closet, he's not there. I haven't seen him in a while.

EOL: I don't know.

Reccie: He needs to stop disappearing on us. Or get himself a cellular device.

EOL: Yes! That would solve our problems…except that he would probably get mad at it and chuck it against a wall or something.

Reccie: You're right. *thinks* Maybe we will just have to get him one of those unbreakable firefly ones, with only three numbers. He only needs 911 and us. I mean who else does the man talk to?

EOL: That's genius! Good thinking.

Reccie: And if we can, we should set his ring tone to "Music of the Night"! Because that's just such an epic song!

EOL: Of course! It's all coming together.

Reccie: One hopes at this time that he is not watching us *looks around nervously*

EOL: *glances around* I don't see him and so far no Punjab has come flying out at us from some unknown place so I'm pretty sure we are safe for the time being.

Reccie: Off to the mobile phone store!

Three hours later after EOL and Reccie find Erik, give him his new phone, explain to him how to use it, and leave him alone.

EOL: He's being awfully quiet in there. Are you certain we shouldn't just you know…peek in and check on him?

Reccie: Your right, Erik is normally plotting things when he's this quiet, he at least comes out every once in a while to see what we are doing.

They go to the closet and open the door to find Erik…

Reccie: Erik! What the—

EOL: Ohmygod. Erik what happened to the poor phone?

Erik: It…Well…You see... *holds up the phone which is broken in two pieces* I couldn't press the buttons, my gloves made it exceedingly difficult.

Reccie: Erik, why didn't you try taking the gloves OFF before bashing it into oblivion?

Erik: Oh…well…

EOL: *snicker* For being such a mastermind you sure let your emotions get the better of you some times.

Erik: I DO NOT LET MY EMOTIONS GET THE BETTER OF ME! NOW GET OUT! *throws the two pieces of phone at Reccie and EOL who run laughing out of the closet*

Reccie: I love doing that to him.

EOL: Never gets old.

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Credit goes to Reccie. Teehee?


	5. 30 Things You Should Know

I thought it be necessary to make you all aware of the dangers that await you once you are inside Erik's playground. So here they be. I would like to credit some of these stuffies to EriksLittleAngel65 for helping me write these!

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30 Stuffies You Should Know Before You Even Think About Entering Erik's Opera House:

1. If and when the Vicomte tries to kill Erik or Erik tries to Punjab Raoul, do not interfere. Do us all a favor and sit back a watch. No worries there.

2. Do not EVER and I mean EVER call/refer/even think of Erik as a "thing". He may be sexy-man-eye-candy, but that is besides the point.

3. Do NOT take off Erik's mask unless you intend to stay with him forever. If that is your intent, go ahead and rip that sucker off! Best of luck to ya.

4. THE ROOF IS NOT SAFE!

5. If Erik is silent for a long time, he is not gone. He is just plotting his revenge. (He does that a lot).

6. When Erik speaks in the third person, bad things happen…very bad things. My advice to you would be to hightail it out of there and quick!

7. Do NOT be surprised if you find a life sized mannequin of you in a wedding gown in Erik's lair. Think of it as a very strange and weirdo-obsessed compliment of sorts…

8. Don't listen to the voices in the lake. It's just Erik…trying to…well…(insert your imagination here).

9. If you are given a choice that means life or death for the man you love it doesn't matter. Unless Erik is struck by a wave of love and compassion, he is still going to die. Get over it.

9½. REPEAT: THE ROOF IS NOT SAFE!

10. Erik wins. Even when he loses, he still wins. Just like Chuck Norris…

11. Do not bother keeping your engagement a secret from the rest of the world. Erik already knows and is plotting his revenge. Like Jesus, Erik knows all.

12. Accept that Erik has bipolar disorder and OCD. It will make things much simpler and less confusing.

13. Erik is NOT your father. That would be really weird and creepy.

14. Never try to duct tape your shoes to the ceiling and act like you fell and hit your head when your dad's drunken girlfriend walks into the room. This has nothing to do with the story or anything for that matter. Just don't do it. It results in serious groundage and my walking on the ceiling privileges were revoked. BEWARE!

15. If you somehow get engaged during your acquaintance with Erik, your best bet is to not stay at L'Opera Populairé. In fact, you should probably just leave France altogether…move to a new country, a whole new continent would be better. Grow a beard, shave if off, cross you fingers, and hope for the best.

16. Be aware that Carlotta 'ates 'er 'at. What? It's true!

17. If you ignore Erik's demands, a disaster beyond your imagination WILL occur. It's inevitable.

18. Do not give Erik the wrong color stationery. He's a very particular man who gets pissy about the most petty things…

19. LEAVE THE FREAKIN' MASK ALONE! (refer to #3)

20. Erik may be gorgeous, but he doesn't have a clue. So, if he refers to himself as a monster just nod your head dumbly. You wouldn't win that argument.

21. Keep your hand at the level of your eyes. No, you don't get an explanation. So, take that!

22. You WILL listen to the music of the night and you WILL enjoy it…

23. The Persian IS real. Remember that. It could save your life one day…or not.

24. Do NOT ever touch Erik. He is very sensitive when it comes to human contact and it might send him into a irate rampage or he might just totally break down sobbing…that's when it's a good time to walk away and check on your beloved fop.

25. Erik plays with dolls. They are important to his opera plans. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS.

26. Beware the grasshopper...IT HOPS! It hops well! And it hops quite high.

27. If Erik gives you a rose, don't be an insensitive jerk and drop/discard/lose/ it. Erik gives you flower because Erik is happy. Do Not crush Erik's happiness or be subject to his wrath!

28. Be very cautious of Erik's leather gloves. It is rumored that they have "magical" powers…just look what they did to Christine.

29. Erik has a strange fetish with steeling sleeping chicks stockings.

30. Never touch the monkey music box. Bad things happen. Just ask Raoul.

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I hope these tickled your fancies! Thanks for reading! Reviews are great!


	6. Rice, Rice, Erik

Someone on here, I don't remember who, had a dream...and this is the result. This is long overdue.

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Rice, Rice, Erik

It was a Wednesday evening, and Christine was being a whore—like always. She had Erik cornered with a blindfold and reddi-whip. Just then, a rumbling sound echoed throughout the cavern.  
"I'm hungry," Erik whimpered.  
Christine giggled. "That's what the reddi-whip is for," she said almost seductively. Erik's stomach let out another growl.  
"Nah, I'm in the mood for Chinese," Erik said.  
Christine's face fell.  
Suddenly, Erik pushed pass her. "Not just Chinese—Rice!" Erik began to sing."Rice is the world! Rice prevails the song! Forever going on, as we sing along!"

"Not this again." Christine rolled her eyes. "You know what it does to you. Remember?"

"Rice!" Erik spawned a bowl of rice and rubbed it against his face. "This is rice! Best food in China—for a low price! It is my favorites of foods to be precise! Oh, I love you, Rice." He stared at the bowl thoughtfully.

"Owwww! It hurts my head!" Erik whined. "Ricey ricey rice! Rice, I will be fed!"

"I guess if you can't beat 'em, join 'em..." she sighed. "Rice is quite fluffy and white to my liking. Oh, god, here comes Carlotta dressed like a viking!" Christine sang.

"Yes, it is I. And I 'ate my 'at, but this 'bout rice. You think you can sing ballet brat?" Carlotta smirked and blew the phantom a kiss.

"Oh, Carlotta, it's not your horned hat! It's your voice for heavens sake! The sound—crossed between a plumping repair and a dying cat!" Christine sang back, flashing gang signs with her hands.

"Rice is the world! Rice prevails the song! Forever going on, as we sing along!" Erik bellowed, while stuffing his face ungracefully with rice.

"What are you talking? My voice flows! Your part is silent, you little toad!"

There was a loud crashing sound from the other side of the lair. All three turned, to see Raoul standing there.

"Oh, shit! What is this?" Raoul sang nervously. "I was only looking for a place to take a piss!"

"What are you doing here, Raoul?" Erik growled, grabbing his lasso. "You are the biggest fool!"

"No, no Erik. If I might, I think it is a great time for some rice!" Christine jumped between Raoul and Erik, holding up a bowl of rice. "Rice is the world! Rice prevails the song! Forever going on, as we sing along!"

"She's right you, know," Raoul said. "Phantom, Carlotta, Christine, hello."

"Why are you here?" Christine asked all flustered.

"Vicomte, how nice to see you! Christine's voice is out of tune," Carlotta greeted.

"This isn't about us, me or about you! It's about rice—tried and true!"

"Rice is larger than life!" Erik chanted. "Rice, so white! We shall recite..."

All four singing together: "Rice is the world! Rice prevails the song! Forever going on, as we sing along!"

"Bye-bye and ciao! I'm really leaving. Some of that rice, I be retrieving." Carlotta waved her hand. "Goodbye toad, Vicomte, and phantom..."

Erik and Christine became involved in a giant bowl of rice as Carlotta walked off.

"You know, rice sucks," Raoul muttered.

The two looked up and stared at him incredulously. "Rice. Does. Not. Suck." Erik growled. "It has no lips!"

"Erik—what?" Christine raised an eyebrow at the phantom. "What was that?"

"I'm trying that humor thing, you said to do..."

"Yeah... Just stick to your emo/anger thing, kay?"

"Kay." Erik agreed. He hung his head. "Can we beat up the fop?"

"Now, that's the phantom I know!"

"Guys, can't we talk about this?" Raoul asked nervously as they backed him into a corner.

"Rice does not suck, fop! Rice is the world! Rice-"Erik sang angrily.

"I know, I know...Rice prevails the song-" Raoul interrupted.

"Fop, shut up! You don't sing! You don't do that!"

"Yeah, Raoul!" Christine exclaimed. "Shut up!"

"Christine, dearest," Erik said with a sly smile as he stared at Raoul.

"Yes, Erik?"

"Do you still have that blind fold?"

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Rice, rice, Erik! Do do do-doot doot do do!

-E.O.L.


End file.
